Tuesday, November 11, 2008

[JessFinds] No more kids for Jess

Tomorrow morning I am going to have my uterus killed off in a freak procedure that involves balloons and boiling saline. Woohoo! It reminds me of the Dennis Leary song about cutting off heads and boiling them in oil. I am not sure why, but I can not stop singing it.

Wish me luck. I am actually a little nervous. I don't like being put under (general anesthesia is not an easy sell with me). This is how it works: "count to ten backwards..."

Me: "10, 9, 8 (surgery happens) GEEZUS WTF @($#&% Pain Meds Helloooo???"

I swear like a longshoreman when I come out of general anesthesia. Seriously. When I was ten, I had my appendix removed and when I came out of it (in a puddle of my own drool) I cussed out the nurse who tried to give me a shot of morphine. I said: "Jesus Christ, if it isn't one goddamn thing it's another." Me. Ten.

When I had my wisdom teeth pulled at 21 I woke up alone on a hallway bench (in a puddle of my own drool) and started cussing immediately: "Where the (*&%^ is my @^$^(* roommate??"

So we can count on two things. I will be in a puddle of my own drool and I will berate anyone who happens to be near me.

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